For over a year now, I have remained honest and raw regarding my experience with the not-so-nice diagnosis of anorexia nervosa, in addition to a handful of other varying disordered eating illnesses and symptoms.
Without knowing the specific digits and calculations (scales for me is a strong no-go), you could say that I’ve practically doubled my weight from what it was in August 2016 – the height of my illness and where concerns were growing very rapidly in terms of my overall health.
So I’ve gained weight. Muscle and fat. I am healthy. I am able to walk down the stairs without feeling faint and exhausted, and no longer able to wrap my index finger and thumb around the top of my arm. Conversely, I am able to run half marathons, I’ve developed my biceps and have overall become stronger.
Seems like I’m totally recovered… right? In terms of my body and physical health, abilities and strength – I can confidently agree with that statement. However, mindset and mental health? This is where the issue (although minimal) still lies.
I am here, sat on my desk eating the final quarter of my Maltesers Easter egg. Originally there was a moment (or two) or contemplation:
Should I eat this?
Will this result in myself gaining ‘loads’ of weight?
Will I just regret it?
Do I deserve this?
A serge of questions passing through my mind over the course of a few seconds. This, is the voice of my eating disorder.
My mind still has the habit of overthinking. And you know what… that’s okay. I take these irrational thoughts, briefly asses the situation, then am able to push these silly, repetitive and overbearing judgments to the side.
So, in reference to the title. Eating disorders and Easter… it’s a tricky one.
‘Holidays’ and seasonal celebrations which revolve themselves around the consumption of (more often than not) highly calorific foods, is always going to be more triggering and challenging for e.d. sufferers, whether you’re in the process of recovery or not.
So this is just a little post to say that you’re doing good, that you’re not alone.
I felt pretty discouraged when I found myself battling the disordered thoughts, feeling agitated knowing that it’s still ‘there’. But now, putting everything into perspective, I ate the goddam Eater egg, and the two chocolate bars and you know what? It was pretty darn tasty. And want to know something else? I still fit comfortably into my clothing. I haven’t immediately gained 6 pounds. The compositions of my body haven’t totally flipped! (may seem completely sarcastic, but this is what e.d. can cause you to believe).
But what has changed or come from this? I now have the aftertaste of chocolate – not complaining. I won’t feel negatively towards the reality of having to experience those moments of contemplation… rather, I’ll give myself a pat on the back for my little achievement, which may seem totally small and mundane for someone else…. but for me, it’s a #recoverywin.
Keep smiling, hope you enjoyed Easter